I started posting and perusing again recently (i.e. today) on this blog. In looking back at the older posts, it surprises me how much I’ve changed and yet how little I’ve changed. There are blog posts about my poor time management skills, staying up too late & sleeping past noon, failure to get to the gym, and conflicts with what my parents want vs. what I wind up doing. All of these themes still hold true … and this more than 4 years after the fact!
The one that always makes me laugh/groan is the parental vs personal ideas conflict. I pointed out to a friend the other day that this is an ongoing theme in my life and comes to a climax around the time that major changes will occur in my life. The interesting thing isn’t that my parents and I disagree on the major decisions (e.g. engineering, medical school, residency specialty), we disagree on the things I want to do in relation to these big events (e.g. where I’ll go on vacation before medical school, which medical school I’ll attend, which residency programs I’ll rank higher vs. lower). You’d think that at 26, my parents and I would either figure out some common ground or both recognize that we should just all agree to disagree, since that’s what always happens, but in reality we just do this dance every 4 years or so.
The major change I’ve noticed from the last time we did this is that I am a bit more cognizant of their feelings regarding the situation, but that doesn’t translate into me actually putting their concerns before mine or doing what they want me to. I know, I’m a selfish, selfish only child. It’s the way I’m hardwired.
Other changes/non-changes over the last five years …
1) I’m still really annoyed at people who complain all the time. Either do something to change the problem or keep it to yourself after the third time already!
2) I’m less and less patient with other people and inefficient systems in general.
3) I’m definitely forgetting how to be “normal” and social in that “normal” sort of way. I have no idea if this is just the by product of medical school or all of those elementary school socialization class lessons have worn off.
4) I’m a lot more jaded than I used to be. This is probably a good and a bad thing. Good: my naivete that a “life changing” event will occur to point the way for me has passed; life really is just a series of events/choices/happenstances that you go through one day after the next. Bad: it’s a lot harder to see the joy and greater good/higher purpose of people and events; it makes it really easy to get lost in the grind and have your life pass you by (I really do worry about this).
5) I continue to feel adrift and not entirely sure of myself, what I’m doing, if I should be doing it, and how I got to be here. This will probably be a life constant, pretty ironic really.
Life, Grind, Blah
